saying no

you already know where i'm going with this, don't you? do you hate saying "no" as much as i do?

i don't like saying "no". sure, there are times when it doesn't bother me at all. usually when it's something i really don't want to do, or something that i don't feel obligated to do, that i know i haven't been "called" to do. those times it's easy to say no. but when someone asks me to sing or do something music-related, i feel guilty saying no.

i have narrowed it down to this: it's not that i am a people pleaser... i don't think i am one. it's not that i feel like people won't like me if i turn them down, or that i'll feel bad they won't be able to find someone else in my place, or anything like that. nope. it's that i wonder whether i really should be saying yes to them. if God really wants me to say yes, but i'm saying no anyway without consulting Him. it may be because i have a long history of automatically saying no to things that are scary or out of my comfort zone, so i question myself now. what are my motives? is it OK to say no to something that is singing-related, that is technically something i am capable of doing and should probably do, because i need a break or because my husband asks me to say no? is that OK? the line is blurry for me right now, that's why i'm writing it all out for you guys. maybe you can give me some insight.

i fully know that the only person i answer to is the Lord. i totally know that. but i guess that's my struggle. and i think my problem is that i think it out on my own. i don't stop and pray and seek God's will. maybe i feel like it should be a no-brainer? i shouldn't pray about it because i already know the answer? maybe i think that there's this umbrella, that anything that falls under the umbrella i should say yes to? because God has called me to exalt His name through song, i should always and forever be available to do that, no matter what?

but then there's my family... and God has called me to care for them, too. my husband, who is a very good communicator [like really good, you guys. i'm so so blessed with that] gently reminded me of this fact last night. when i say "gently", i'm not being sarcastic. he recognized that there will most definitely be seasons that are busier than others. but truly, last month was that busy time. as someone who does not handle lots of commitments well in the first place, i tend to let the house and family become the very last priority. after working 10 and 12 hour days, my husband walks in from the 45 minute, traffic-jammed commute, to a busy wife and a home in disarray, when all he wants to do is relax with us in peace and tidiness [remember how he likes the house clean and i'm trying to serve him in keeping it that way?].

last night was my daughter's birthday party, and praise God it was the very last thing on the busy month's agenda that included lots of queen bee-ing, and lots and lots of singing, among a million other things. i came home from her party to an email asking if i could coordinate the music/worship for an upcoming marriage conference we're hosting at our church. since it's a month away, and that's the only big thing on the agenda between now and then, i said yes.

and then as i was folding overdue [and very wrinkled] laundry in the middle of an embarrassingly messy bedroom at 10pm, i mentioned it to my husband. probably not the best timing, huh? so, i sent an email 40 minutes after the first "yes", saying "oops, sorry. nevermind". it was met with total understanding and complete grace from the recipient, so what was i worried about?

well, i was worried that maybe God really wanted me to say yes and i was putting my husband's needs above God's will for my life. or at least His will for the weekend of June 10th and 11th, you know? does anyone else struggle with this? please tell me i'm not alone. i know that i need to submit to my husband and that God has situated him as the head of our family, for better or worse. but i have trouble when it comes to these things... 


do you have any ideas or advice for me? or maybe i'll have some wonderful insight for you tomorrow. i need to get into the Word and wrestle through it some more... i hope i'm not the only one who wonders about this.

ps i think i'm getting a little better at editing the photos. what do you think? i'm adding some blue and some red and thinking it looks pretty??