more of Him, always more

** you may have read this over on Leslie's blog last week. I just wanted to have record of it here, in my own space...

It was last Thursday and I was downstairs having my morning quiet time. I had been praying for about 30 minutes and God was revealing some pretty earth shattering things to me. There was pride that I hadn't recognized and some impure motives in a few situations I was involved in. God was shining light into so much darkness I hadn't even known was there... Needless to say, I had a really wonderful time of confession and repentance, all before 6:30 AM. I felt completely alive and filled with His goodness and mercy, ready to face whatever the day would bring. I looked up at the clock and realized I needed to iron my husband's pants ;) 

So I went upstairs and he was just waking up. I got his pants on the ironing table and noticed a tear in the pocket. Still groggy, he remembered that yes, he'd ripped them the other day... so he couldn't wear them. I immediately huffed and puffed and went into the closet to find something different he could wear. I complained that he still has so many old clothes he needs to get rid of and why can't he just wear the ripped pants because I specifically made sure they were washed and dried yesterday so they'd be ready for him to wear today, and on and on! 

Spirit filled? Not so much. Loving my husband... with a cheerful heart? Not a chance. 

I ironed some other pants and walked downstairs on the verge of tears. Not out of frustration with the pants, but because why don't I GET IT? Why can't I love my husband in a way that honors the Lord and why do I always get frustrated over the tiniest little things? I should know better. I do know better. I know what my husband needs in order to feel loved, and he feels most loved through acts of service (carried out happily and without grumbling). WHY can't I just get a clue? Why can't I put into practice all the things that I know to be true? What is wrong with me and when will I ever be good at this without having to try so hard? When will it ever come naturally to just serve him and not have to constantly battle myself? And right after I'd spent thirty beautiful minutes in prayer? 

Then, very gently and with clarity (so I knew it was Him now) God spoke right to my spirit:

What is it that you think you'll be able to perfect? Is there some great need to be able to do life without constant filling and refilling from me? If you reach this point of perfection, wouldn't you then require none of Me? You know, Aly, I quite enjoy our sweet intimate moments in the morning when you pour out to me and then I pour into you. And we both know you enjoy it, too. If you had it all together and did everything right all the time, you'd have no need to come back to Me every single morning (let's be honest: every hour, most days) to be renewed and filled, to confess and repent, to be sanctified, to learn and grow and know me more intimately. Isn't the point of all of this supposed to be more of Me, not less? Just go apologize to your sweet husband (who already knows you can be a little crazy at times), and come drink in the fullness of joy in My presence. 

Then I thought about Paul and the "thorn in his flesh" that never went away. I mean, Paul, of all people? He pretty much had it together, you'd think. But even he had areas that needed continual renewing:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:7-10

God is all about relationship. There will always be a reason for us to cling more desperately to our Redeemer. So you will never get to a point in your life where you don't need Him anymore. His ultimate goal is not to wean you from Himself, it's not like our human child/parent relationships. The point is not to get to a place where you have it under control all by yourself. We're supposed to need Him every hour. More and more each day. And when we do, that's a good sign.