when you feel like a failure.

well. this post is hard for me to write. because i feel a little bit like a failure, but mostly an imposter.

remember when i told you about Babywise, and i even posted a video all about how to get your child to sleep through the night and acted like i was this expert?

yeah... well it turns out i'm not.

you know how i have a ten month old baby? and, you know how she wakes up once or twice every night?

some of you are thinking well, duh. and i told you so. but here's what i want you to know: it's really hard for me to admit defeat. i want to share my heart with you; the deep, dark, ugly, and triumphant parts, and i just want you to hear me. i hope you'll honor that. i almost turned off the comments except that i want to leave them open for anyone that might be struggling like i was.

so, do you remember when i wrote about how i haven’t slept in almost a year and how i feel like there’s no end in sight. you guys, sleep-deprivation is something that i don’t deal with very well. as much as i’d love to say i’m praying or worshiping or reading the Word during those middle-of-the-night hours, i’m not. i’m grumbling and frustrated that i’m waking up again and that it’s nothing like i expected, the absolute opposite of what i experienced my first lap around the newborn-motherhood track.

i knew it might not be exactly the same, but i didn’t know it would be this hard. not just physically but mentally, you know? and spiritually. lately God has been trying to get through to me, but i’ve been resisting. He’s been trying to show me that there’s more to motherhood than getting my sleep and taking care of myself.

He's been trying to teach me that there’s more to life than organized and predictable.

deep down, though, i feel like i failed myself and i failed her. because i know that babywise works. i still believe in it. but you have to dedicate the time for staying home and making sure you put the baby down for a nap at the same time every single day and feed her at the same times every single day. that just didn't work for us. we were out and about, doing our normal routine, and she had to sleep in the car, or the stroller, or wherever. she had to eat at odd times, whenever we could steal a few minutes to get some food in her. do you know what i mean?

and yes, it was totally stressful for me, not having a predictable routine. and i knew that the more i prolonged getting her onto some kind of schedule, the more i'd be prolonging her ability to sleep through the night... and i was right. it has not been an easy ten months.

recently i got to a point, past exhaustion, where i saw how desperately i needed to lay down my pride and just submit myself to whatever it is that i need to learn from Him. i like to be right. not so that i can say "i told you so", but because i like to do what is right and what is best. that's just my personality. so when i fail or when my method doesn't work like i knew it should? i just feel defeated. like i'm back at square one.

but being right isn't God's best for me. He is right, He knows best, He has great plans for these long and sleepless nights. i know He does. i want to be someone who can let go of the control that she never had to begin with, you know?

well, the day that i decided to learn instead of grumble was the day my baby girl slept almost all the way through the night. now, she hasn't done it again since then, but i feel like the Lord was saying, "okay, now that i've got you on board, here's a few extra hours of sleep for you."

now when she wakes up, i don't feel like i've been run over by a train. i pop out of bed, do what i need to do, and thank God that i'm healthy and she's healthy and we're home and safe and blessed beyond comprehension.

i have always believed that i decide whether i'm happy or not. happiness, joy, contentment should never depend on my circumstances or another person or any other thing. it's just a choice. i've always said that, but i have not always practiced that. sometimes i'm completely baffled by how easily my wise and logical brain can get buried under my over-emotional heart. 

now i know that i needed this restless, teething [sweet and beautiful] baby to refine me. but honestly? i hate that it’s taken me ten months to get on board and allow God to mold me. i want to shake my past self and just say: hey! it's okay to change! but i resist it so much when it requires much of me. [i’m sure i’m not the only one.]

anyway, i hope you heard my heart on this. i still don't get much sleep but my perspective has shifted dramatically and my moods have lifted as a result. sometimes we just need to get with His program and hop on the wagon already. if that's you right now, just do it! because if there's one thing i've learned:

but it still requires our submission and cooperation. once we're yoked to Him, there is rest for the weary: the mentally, emotionally, and physically weary.

linking up with fancy little things and chatting at the sky | tuesdays unwrapped