exhausted and frustrated, i can't see beyond the sleep-deprivation toward anything worthwhile or meaningful. this will always be it. nothing to contribute to the world, no gifts to share, no lives to change. how can i? without a moment to myself to breathe, think, plan, move mountains? sleep?
but then a thought flickers that maybe, just maybe, there's the slightest chance that this is my contribution. these are the mountains moving. for this season, anyway. void of glamour, reward postponed until years later, the epitome of delayed gratification. this is motherhood in the trenches.
besides, i wonder if maybe there is something, a selfishness, in me that needs to die. and maybe it requires the long and frustrating nights to starve it out, minute by exhausting minute.
i wonder if i've been raised up to believe it's all about me? this is American culture, after all: i can do anything i want to do. i should follow my dreams. i should be careful that in becoming a mother, i do not lose myself.
but what if, in the losing, there's really finding?
as everything is scrubbed away, true beauty is revealed, and it's really just Him?
motherhood in the trenches: none of it simple, none of it easy, none of it glamorous. but it's precisely that which He uses to refine, build up, strip away, make beautiful... to make me more like Him. to develop that relationship He so desires.
* maybe you liked that first quote up there? well, i have a print you can buy right here