It recently occurred to me that fear dictates much of what I do and don't do. When I feel God has placed something on my heart, I dismiss it because I'm not good enough and surely He didn't mean for me to do that? I think that I have to achieve some level of discipline or spiritual maturity before I'm qualified for the job, so I simply never move.
It's pure defeat, allowing my mind to go there. I'll never have mastery here, and I'll never have discipline there. When will I just do what I know I'm supposed to do? I'm convicted of the ways in which I fall short , or I read through the passages in Matthew that shine a piercing spotlight into the areas of my life that are lacking tremendously. I wonder when I'll ever be different than I used to be? When will it click, and when will I finally be that faithful and fearless woman I desire to be?
I chew on it long enough until it finally hits me: this sanctification process is just that -- a process. Until the day of Christ's return I will not be perfected (Phil. 1:6). I'll struggle and fail and fall short and there's no way around it. That's the thing about being human.
A thought flickers for a moment that maybe, just maybe this is part of the plan. Maybe I'm not supposed to be qualified for the task? Maybe I'm supposed to be desperate and humbled and in need of Him every hour?
Because here's the thing: if I was completely self-sufficient and consistently self-controlled and had it all together on my own, I wouldn't be actively and fervently pursuing His strength and His grace every single day. If I could do it on my own, I certainly wouldn't need Him.
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